Walk in My Shoes

A Walk in My Shoes

C. Waeltermann, 2007

Twas the Night Before Christmas
And all through the house
The creatures were stirring
Yes, even the mouse

We tried melatonin
And gave a hot bath
But the holiday jitters
They always distract

The children were finally
All nestled in bed
When nightmares of terror
Ran through my OWN head

Did I get the right gift
The right color
And style
Would there be a tantrum
Or even, maybe, a smile?

Our relatives come
But they don't understand
The pleasure he gets
Just from flapping his hands

"He needs discipline," they say
"Just a well-needed smack,
You must learn to parent..."
And on goes the attack

We smile and nod
Because we know deep inside
The argument is moot
Let them all take a side

We know what it's like
To live with the spectrum
The struggles and triumphs
Achievements, regressions….

But what they don't know
And what they don't see
Is the joy that we feel
Over simplicity

He said "hello"
He ate something green!
He told his first lie!
He did not cause a scene!

He peed on the potty
Who cares if he's ten,
He stopped saying the same thing
Again and again!

Others don't realize
Just how we can cope
How we bravely we hang on
At the end of our rope

But what they don't see
Is the joy we can't hide
When our children with autism
Make the tiniest stride

We may look at others
Without the problems we face
With jealousy, hatred
Or even distaste

But what they don't know
Nor sometimes do we
Is that children with autism
Bring simplicity

We don't get excited
Over expensive things
We jump for joy
With the progress work brings

Children with autism
Try hard every day
That they make us proud
More than words can say.

They work even harder
Than you or I
To achieve something small
To reach a star in the sky

So to those who don't get it
Or can't get a clue
Take a walk in my shoes
And I'll assure you…

That even 10 minutes
Into the walk
You'll look at me
With the respect, even shock.

You will realize
What it is I go through
And the next time you judge
I can assure you
That you won't say a thing
You'll be quiet and learn,
Like the years that I did
When the tables were turned.

Holland Schmolland

Holland Schmolland By Laura Krueger Crawford If you have a child with autism, which I do, and if you troll the Internet for information, which I have done, you will come across a certain inspirational analogy. It goes like this: Imagine that you are planning a trip to Italy. You read all the latest travel books, you consult with friends about what to pack, and you develop an elaborate itinerary for your glorious trip. The day arrives. You board the plane and settle in with your in-flight magazine, dreaming of trattorias, gondola rides and gelato. However, when the plane lands you discover, much to your surprise, you are not in Italy -- you are in Holland. You are greatly dismayed at this abrupt and unexpected change in plans. You rant and rave to the travel agency, but it does no good. You are stuck. After a while, you tire of fighting and begin to look at what Holland has to offer. You notice the beautiful tulips, the kindly people in wooden shoes, the French fries and mayonnaise, and you think, "This isn't exactly what I planned, but it's not so bad. It's just different." Having a child with autism is supposed to be like this -- not any worse than having a typical child -- just different. When I read that, my son was almost three, completely non-verbal and was hitting me over a hundred times a day. While I appreciated the intention of the story, I couldn't help but think, "Are they kidding? We are not in some peaceful countryside dotted with windmills. We are in a country under siege -- dodging bombs, trying to board overloaded helicopters, bribing officials -- all the while thinking, "What happened to our beautiful life?" That was 5 years ago. My son is now 8 and though we have come to accept that he will always have autism, we no longer feel like citizens of a battle torn nation. With the help of countless dedicated therapists and teachers, biological interventions, and an enormously supportive family, my son has become a fun-loving, affectionate boy with many endearing qualities and skills. In the process we've created… well… our own country, with its own unique traditions and customs. It's not a war zone, but it's still not Holland. Let's call it Schmolland. In Schmolland, it is perfectly customary to lick walls, rub cold pieces of metal across your mouth and line up all your toys end to end. You can show affection by giving a "pointy chin." A "pointy chin" is when you act like you are going to hug someone and just when you are really close, you jam your chin into the other person's shoulder. For the person giving the "pointy chin" this feels really good, for the receiver not so much – but you get used to it. For citizens of Schmolland, it is quite normal to repeat lines from videos to express emotion. If you are sad, you can look downcast and say "Oh Pongo." When mad or anxious, you might shout, "Snow can't stop me!" or "Duchess, kittens, come on!" Sometimes, "And now our feature presentation" says it all. In Schmolland, there's not a lot to do, so our citizens find amusement wherever they can. Bouncing on the couch for hours, methodically pulling feathers out of down pillows, and laughing hysterically in bed at 4:00am, are all traditional Schmutch pastimes. The hard part about living in our country is dealing with people from other countries. We try to assimilate ourselves and mimic their customs, but we aren't always successful. It's perfectly understandable that an 8-year-old boy from Schmolland would steal a train from a toddler at the Thomas the Tank Engine Train Table at Barnes and Noble. But this is clearly not understandable or acceptable in other countries, and so we must drag our 8 year old out of the store kicking and screaming while all the customers look on with stark, pitying stares. But we ignore these looks and focus on the exit sign because we are a proud people. Where we live, it is not surprising when an 8-year-old boy reaches for the fleshy part of a woman's upper torso and says, "Do we touch boodoo?" We simply say, "No we don't touch boodoo" and go on about our business. It's a bit more startling in other countries, however, and can cause all sorts of cross-cultural misunderstandings. And, though most foreigners can get a drop of water on their pants and still carry on, this is intolerable to certain citizens in Schmolland who insist that the pants must come off no matter where they are, and regardless of whether another pair of pants are present. Other families who are affected by autism are familiar and comforting to us, yet are still separate entities. Together we make up a federation of countries, kind of like Scandinavia. Like a person from Denmark talking with a person from Norway, (or in our case someone from Schmenmark talking with someone from Schmorway), we share enough similarities in our language and customs to understand each other, but conversations inevitably highlight the diversity of our traditions. "Oh your child is a runner? Mine won't go to the bathroom without asking permission." "My child eats paper. Yesterday he ate a whole video box." "My daughter only eats 4 foods, all of them white." "My son wants to blow on everyone." "My son can't stand to hear the word no. We can't use any negatives at all in our house." "We finally had to lock up the VCR because my son was obsessed with the rewind button." There is one thing we all agree on: we are a growing population. 10 years ago, 1 in 10,000 children had autism. Today the rate is approximately 1 in 76. Something is dreadfully wrong. Though the causes of the increase are still being hotly debated, a number of parents and professionals believe genetic pre-disposition has collided with too many environment insults -- toxins, chemicals, anti-biotics, vaccines -- to create immunological chaos in the nervous systems of developing children. One medical journalist speculated that these children are like the proverbial "canary in the coal mine" here to alert us to the growing dangers in our environment. While this is certainly not a view shared by all in the autism community, it feels true to me. I hope that researchers discover the magic bullet we all so desperately crave. And I will never stop investigating new treatments and therapies that might help my son. But more and more my priorities are shifting from what "could be" to "what is." I look around at this country my family has created, with all its unique customs, and it feels like home. For us, any time spent "nation-building" is time well spent.

2007 Christmas Letter

Dear Family and Friends, As the holiday season approaches, we have been reflecting on the various highs and lows of this past year. We are deeply grateful to all of you that have kept us in your thoughts and prayers. We thought we would take a moment to update you on Gabriel’s development. 2007 has been a year full of exciting progress as Gabe reaches new milestones. As most of you know, Gabe is attending PPCD (Preschool Program for Children with Disabilities) through our school district. He loves his classroom, teachers, and classmates. This is a truly phenomenal program that provides speech therapy, occupational therapy, physical therapy, music therapy, and adaptive PE (as well as much more)! Gabe thrives in this fun, active, and highly structured environment. Since beginning this program, Gabe has become more social and has shown more interest in other children his age. He is responding to and interacting with his classmates more and more each day. It’s heart-warming to see them together and hear other parents (of children in the same class) state that their children call Gabe their friend. As a mother of a child with Autism, this is one of the greatest things I could ever hear! Gabe has worked very hard this year and made progress in his language and speech skills. In addition to the services Gabe receives through the school district, we are also doing private speech therapy, occupational therapy, and an in-home ABA program. We see that each of these interventions is helping Gabe. The exceptionally supportive and dedicated teachers and therapists that work with our son both at school as well as in our home continuously renew our hope and give us much to be thankful for. Our new private speech therapist has truly been an answer to a prayer. She has really connected with Gabe and has been able to spark more language in the few weeks since she has started than we have ever heard from him before! He has even recently said several three word sentences! Each new word is celebrated and fills us with renewed hope that he will be able to communicate his wants and needs to us in the future. As for now, we still often resort to tears and frustration as our little boy tries to communicate to us how he feels and what he needs. However, it’s heartening to know that we have a great team of teachers and therapists that see the potential in Gabe and realize how much knowledge Gabe has stored inside. We are all determined to help him find ways of expressing his knowledge. For the first time since Gabe lost certain skills, he is now calling us “Daddy” and “Ma-Ma!” Personally, this is the most meaningful achievement this year. My heart feels as if it’s about to burst each time I hear him call for me! Another significant moment of 2007 was when I received my first spontaneous kiss from my sweet boy! Many of you heard about this momentous occasion due to my uncontainable excitement! In November, I attended the National Autism Association conference in Atlanta, Georgia. I traveled with five other moms of children with Autism. These women are very special to me and play a vital role in my support system. The conference was an amazing experience. Some of the best minds in the autism world spoke at this conference. The primary focus was on the biomedical treatments available. We are currently seeing a local doctor that specializes in treating Autism biomedically. We have just begun this particular intervention and are hoping to see some positive results as we treat nutritional deficiencies, build up his immune system, remove toxins from his body, and help Gabe become healthy so that he can benefit to the greatest extent possible from the various other therapies and interventions we are implementing. We hope that this biomedical approach will also help decrease some of the intense anxiety that Gabe currently experiences. He is terrified of certain sounds, places, and even of something as simple as watching a DVD. We are trying to understand why the sudden increase in anxiety and are also working closely with our therapists in developing ways to help him overcome some of these irrational fears. In this season of giving, I am reminded of just how much I am given each day by my special boy. He rewards my hard work and frustration with a smile that lights up a room, a warm, tight hug that refuels my depleted energy level, and exciting new words that are the most beautiful music to my ears. Gabe is a gift from God as every good and perfect gift is from above. He is also a beautiful reminder of God's promise to us all in Jeremiah 29:11. As we reflect on this past year, we realize ours is a journey of peaks and valleys and we are learning to better adjust to the fact that our best days will be followed by inevitable periods of heart-break and discouragement. Some days my only and best comfort is the reassurance that God is with us. He celebrates with us on the mountaintops of success and shares our tears as we struggle to find our way through the valleys of depression. I honestly do not know what we would do without the love and support of our family and friends. You all mean so much to us and we are grateful for your love and friendship. Life with Gabe makes it difficult to pick up the phone and call as often as we would like, but please know that we think of each of you often. We wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a blessed, happy, and healthy New Year! With Love, Staci, Bruno, and Gabriel

Happy Halloween!

Picture Day photo

Here is a pic of Gabe on picture day. He is waiting for his teachers to come out to get him. He loves school and willingly goes into the building with his teacher and the other students each morning. :)

Jenny's new book! Read it!

I must put in a plug for Jenny McCarthy's new book. She did a fantastic job in recapturing her struggle and journey with her son, Evan, diagnosed with Autism. On many pages, I really felt as though she were telling our story. She acknowledges the fact that all too often, Doctors do not give enough credit to our "mommy instincts." This has been the case for me so often that I regretfully admit to not giving much credit to the "instincts" of the medical experts that I now encounter. She illustrates how we, the parents of children with Autism, must rely on our own ability to research because there is no "Welcome to the World of Autism" pamphlet. She humorously refers to earning a Ph.D in "Google Research" and that is exactly how it feels!!! She captures the heartbreak and the wide spectrum of feeling we, as mothers, go through on this rocky path. I strongly recommend this book to anyone - not just those raising children with Autism. I have to end with a beautiful and eloquently written quote from her book that describes exactly how I have felt about my relationship with my son. "Is he affectionate, and does he show warmth and love?" "I was about to answer, and stopped. Time stood still at that moment. I wanted to reply, "Yes, all the time, he hugs me like all little boys hug their mommies and gives me kisses." But he didn't. I honestly had never noticed that I wasn't getting the physical love that most mommies get. I really didn't need it, because love is energy, and I felt it. His love was louder than words, and our connection was very deep. If Evan never spoke a word, I would be able to read his mind and feel a love connection that could be felt by the whole universe. I answered, "Does he show love? He is love. And I feel it every day." Thanks, Jenny!

Hi!

I couldn't believe my ears a few days ago! My son actually told someone, "Hi!" Now that may not seem like such a momentous occasion for a parent to celebrate, but it is for me!!!

As we encounter people in our daily lives, I always prompt Gabe to tell them, "Hi or Bye-Bye" without any response on his part. I figured I would keep doing it nonetheless and remained hopeful that someday he would "catch on" to these customary social interactions. We have actually been working on waiving bye as a goal in our ABA program with some success. However, Gabe still has not generalized waiving bye to anyone other than his therapist.

A few days ago, Gabe and I were walking to the car and he noticed the next door neighbors outside playing ball. He took off in their direction, running full speed through the open field. When I caught up to him (very out of breath) I did the usual prompting of, "Gabe, say hi to Roger." Neither I nor our neighbor, Roger, expected what we heard next. Gabe looked in Roger's direction, raised his hand and said, "Hiiiiiii." The most beautiful sound in the world! Of course, I hugged him and shouted praises! The look on our neighbor's face indicated he was also surprised and couldn't help but feel excitement, as well.

Later that evening, I reflected on the last time I saw Gabe raise his sweet little hand and tell others "hi." My last memory of this was in an Ihop restaurant close to our old neighborhood. Gabe was about 12 months old and was acknowledging everyone that walked by him as we waited to be seated. A few moths later, that skill completely disappeared, along with many others. My heart grows sad when I reflect on skills that have disappeared and as I can't help but wonder what might have been. However, this milestone was a ray of sunshine in an otherwise overcast day and I will bask in the warm, glowing sunlight for as long as I can!

First Weeks of School

Gabe is in his second week of school and it couldn't be going better! I was so nervous about having a new teacher. I was concerned that Gabe would be overlooked due to being the only completely nonverbal child in the class. I was also concerned that no one would recognize how much information he is storing inside that little brain of his. It turns out that I have nothing to be worried about. Mrs. Allen has put my mind at ease as she has taken the time to get to know Gabe and understands his strengths and weaknesses. She is very determined to help him learn to communicate and has commented on how much Gabe knows, even though he is unable to demonstrate it verbally. I believe Gabe will thrive this year in this special classroom. I am excited to see his progress! "Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible - the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family." - Virginia Satir

46 Vaccines???

Hep A and Rotovirus have been added to the CDC schedule for 2007 and we are now up to 43 vaccines in the first 18 months of life!!! (If you include the flu shots both prenatal and as an infant, then it is 46!)

Would you want 43 vaccines over the course of the next 18 months? Although, our bodies are fully developed and would most likely not experience the same side effects as our newborn and infant children.

Highs and Lows

The past few weeks have been filled with some challenging moments that have pushed me to search deep inside myself for a certain patience and perseverance that I never realized I possessed. Gabe's symptoms of Autism have been out of control. His frustration level is such that any slight deviation from what he anticipates happening sets him off into a complete meltdown. He screams and cries while falling to the floor, thrashing about. He will sometimes bang his head on the floor and my heart shatters as I watch my only son become so frustrated that he hurts himself. Gabe will create certain "rules" that we are supposed to follow that seem to change minute by minute. At 5AM this morning, no lights could be turned on. This was an easy one for me to figure out and adhere to. There are times when I am unable to decipher the message he is trying to convey and the result is an inevitable meltdown on his part. It's during these desperate attempts to communicate with my son that I silently call out to God and plead with him to give my son the ability to speak.

What keeps me going as I travel along this weary journey are the special blessings I receive in the midst of severe bouts of depression. Just last weekend, Gabe repeated the phrase, "I love you." He has since repeated it several more times and this means the world to me. My heart swells with joy and delight when my precious son spontaneously lavishes me with affection that I have craved for several years. I have waited so long for his little arms to wrap tightly around my neck and give me the best hugs I have ever received. When Gabe wraps his arms around my neck and presses his little cheek next to mine, I am revived and refueled for the dark times that I know lay ahead.

Summer BREAK???

As the summer days have grown unbearably long, life in our home has been operating in what we like to call "survival mode." The weeks that Gabe is out of school can be absolutely grueling! Without the consistency and structure of school, Gabe's symptoms will increase in intensity and frequency. During these difficult times, sleep becomes a precious commodity to be valued. Gabe already struggles with extreme hyperactivity even on his best days and I have lovingly nicknamed him the "Tasmanian Devil on speed" during these seemingly endless summer days. Gabe has a talent for being able to be in several places at once - or at least it feels that way at times. During a typical summer day, I may decide to begin a load of laundry when Gabe is playing contently with his cars. On my way back by the place Gabe was playing just minutes earlier, I immediately notice he is gone! I am instantly visited by that familiar feeling of dread. Oh no! Did I remember to lock the refrigerator? The answer becomes glaringly obvious upon entering the kitchen. The refrigerator door is wide open and an opened carton of eggs is sitting on the counter. Thick streams of goo are spilling over the carton, down the cabinets and landing in a large pool on the kitchen floor. Egg shell remnants are scattered all over the floor and most of the eggs in the carton are cracked, as well. Where is the creator of this messy masterpiece? I call out Gabe's name, although I know he will not respond. Then I hear the sound of running water coming from the back bathroom. Sure enough, there is Gabe splashing and laughing as the sink quickly fills with water. Water has already begun to run down the cabinets and out onto the counter. His clothes are soaked, but he is as happy as can be. I try to look at this as an appropriate transition into getting him into the bath to wash off the raw egg that remains on him. While he plays in the tub, I sop up the water around the sink and make a dash to the kitchen to clean up the egg catastrophe. As I clean, I make quick darts to the bathroom to check on Gabe. In one of my "check-ins" I see more puddles of water, this time coming from the bathtub. Gabe is pouring out water all over the floor and onto clean towels. I dress Gabe and he runs off squealing into the front part of the house. Once again, I sop up the pools of water in the bathroom and then walk into the kitchen area where Gabe is lining up items from the fridge on the table. He obsessively has to have his favorite drinks and other random food items out and lined up on the table. When he is in this mode, it's very difficult to stop him. Removing just one item can send him into a complete meltdown. Another obsession that creates for some messy situations is his need to dump out water bottles and basically anything filled with a liquid. Our floors stay covered in towels as I soak up one spill after another. Our day will continue in this fashion with me always three steps behind him. There have been incidents involving applesauce and matchbox cars, pla-doh, floor cleaner, baby powder, the dog's water bowl, etc... How is he able to be in so many places at once? How does anyone move that fast? I know that I am not the only one counting down the days until Gabe returns to school. He longs for that structure and ability to predict what will come next. Although, I feel like I am the one working myself into complete exhaustion trying to keep up with him, he is working just as hard attempting to cope with his unstructured day. A lot of what he does is an attempt to adapt and also a means of coping with sensory issues. He's not doing these things to misbehave and I have to remind myself of that - often!!!

New Puppy!

We have a new addition to our family! :) After much thought and deliberation, we decided that we wanted a family pet. After researching breeds and looking for the "perfect" fit for our family's special needs, we found sweet little "Romeo" - a male English Bulldog puppy. He joined us in our home on Monday, August 13th. Gabe was with us, of course, when we visited our sweet little guy at the breeder's home and he loved him! He laughed and flapped and squealed with excitement when he was around Romeo (and the other puppies and adult Bulldogs) at the breeder's home. Bruno and I thoughtfully considered this hefty decision. Bruno knows that I get very depressed about not being able to have another child due to the genetic concerns related to Autism. We both agree that this is not something we are prepared to face again. It's difficult knowing that we can probably easily have more children, yet face this enormous obstacle that keeps us afraid to try. Now that I am at home and no longer working, I have the time to devote to training a puppy and would have a companion with me during the days when Gabe is away at school. We are hopeful that Romeo's presence will help spark some fun engagement and interactions with Gabe. We have already seen some very cute interactions between the two and Gabe has made attempts at speech involving Romeo. Gabe tells him, "No!" (I wonder where he heard that???) Gabe also has attempted to say "Romeo" and it comes out, "Yo-Yo!" Adorable! :) I called for Romeo the other day and Gabe attempted to imitate me. We are loving the new addition to the family and hope to have more humorous and special stories to share in the future.

Sleepless Nights

Below is an article I was recently asked to write for the Autism Society of Collin County's newsletter. I guess word of Gabe's "sleepless nights" has gotten around. :)

My son, Gabriel, has had difficulty sleeping since birth – three years ago. I was home on maternity leave when CNN coincidentally ran a series on newborns. When they reported that newborns typically sleep 16 hours or more a day, I was shocked! Gabe was barely sleeping half that including day and night.

As most babies grow and begin to sleep longer, it seemed that Gabe was sleeping less! Was this even possible? There were many days that I arrived to work with less than three hours sleep. Needless to say, I would grow a bit agitated when other mothers complained of their own children’s terrible sleep habits, only to find out that meant that little “Sam” had not gone to bed until 10:00 PM or that little “Jessica” woke up at 2:00 AM and was awake for twenty minutes. If I even had the energy to share my sleepless stories, the other moms would appear shocked and probably thought I was greatly exaggerating. It was not uncommon for Gabe to fall asleep after 11:00 PM only to wake up at 2:00 AM and stay awake for hours.

When Gabe turned two, we had a variety of concerns, other than Gabe’s lack of sleep, and after months of tests and evaluations, he was diagnosed with Autism. Upon learning of Gabe’s special needs, I quit my job to be home with him each day. Although I loved my job, I was relieved. I was growing very uncertain as to how I was going to continue working while suffering from severe sleep deprivation.

Of course, my husband and I tried everything to help Gabe sleep! We followed a sensory diet, strictly enforced the Gluten Free/Casein Free diet for many months, used a weighted blanket, followed a bedtime routine, gave Gabe enzymes and supplements, reduced the amount of sugar and dyes that he was allowed to have, gave Melatonin, and eventually tried more serious medication under the recommendation of his developmental pediatrician. After following many suggestions, Gabe still had a very challenging time falling and staying asleep.

I now sleep with Gabe in an effort to get much-needed sleep. It’s not uncommon for Gabe to wake around 2:00 A.M. and begin laughing and babbling loudly. He may stay in his bed for awhile, rolling around laughing, before popping up wild-eyed and wide awake. There are some nights where Gabe spends hours running around his room, while loudly shrieking. He may stop occasionally to play with his cars or trains, but then quickly returns to running laps. Gabe will eventually attempt to pull me out of bed to go toward the kitchen. I groggily force myself out of bed and practically sleepwalk to the kitchen where a battle usually ensues over what he can have for a snack. Gabe obsesses over various food items which can turn into a battle of wills at 3:00 AM. Sometimes I am able to get Gabe back to sleep by 5:00 AM or so and sometimes he is up for the day. If he falls asleep, it is often very difficult to wake him up for school only a short time later. Gabe has missed days of school when, after such an exhausting night, it was just too painful for either of us to wake up in time.

Following our most recent trip to the neurologist, we began giving both Melatonin and Benadryl every night simultaneously. Since beginning this new “cocktail,” we have had much better success at both getting Gabe to sleep at a decent time and keeping him asleep. With the exception of the occasional 4AM start to his day, Gabe has been able to sleep through the night for several weeks now. It’s amazing how much difference sleep can make. For the first time in a long time, I don’t constantly feel like a zombie. I have enough energy and focus to hold a conversation. However, like everything else that we experience in this journey on the Autism spectrum, we can not predict what tomorrow might bring. For now, we are enjoying our reprieve from sleepless nights.

Gabe - The Entertainer

Bruno and I took Gabe to the mall tonight to buy another pair of Crocs. (since these are the only shoes he will wear) We buckled Gabe into his stroller and hoped for at least 15 minutes of peaceful shopping before any meltdowns. Gabe (who is usually fairly oblivious to other people at the mall) was actually watching other children as we strolled along and paying close attention to everything they were doing. When we stopped to look for his shoes, he wanted out of his stroller. We complied and let him run free for a few minutes (with me running close behind him). There were two other moms in the same shoe section shopping with their children. Gabe saw them and ran right up to the group. He then began to laugh and spin while looking at each of these people in the eyes. He would do a crazy move and then look to see if they were watching him. Somehow, he managed to dance and spin himself into the middle of this group of about 7 people. Everyone just stood around laughing and watching him. I could tell they were unsure of what to think, but were amused by his antics. Gabe even walked straight up to one of the boys and stood right in front of him and placed his hand on the boy's chest. I explained to them that Gabe had Autism and while his behavior was a little odd, this was really a wonderful moment for his father and I. We looked on as our son, who just two months ago would not acknowledge any of these strangers, was now initiating interactions with them and seeking their approval of his zany behavior. He was soooo happy and his smile and laughter were priceless during this miraculous performance!

The Interview

Today I interviewed a therapist to join our in-home ABA team. Being so new at this process, I was unsure of what it was that I was looking for during the interview. I had no idea what questions to ask or what exact qualities I was looking for in a therapist. I just hoped to find someone with some experience who was kind, loving, and would eventually be able to build a relationship with my son. I never would have expected what happened next!When the doorbell rang, Gabe went with me to answer the door. Before Paulette was even able to walk through the door, Gabe placed a sticker of a truck in her hand. As Paulette and I sat and discussed Gabe and different aspects of therapy, I was shocked to see Gabe initiate interaction after interaction with Paulette. He exchanged the truck sticker with her several more times, placing it on her hand or arm and then removing it. He would run over to her and touch her arm and run off giggling, as if he was teasing her or playing some sort of game. He even walked up to her and placed a kiss on her cheek while she and I were talking. He followed up the initial kiss with at least five more at various times. At one point he looked right in her face and touched her cheek. Each interaction was spontaneous and initiated (unprompted) by Gabe! This has never happened before that I can recall. Seldom has Gabe even acknowledged a stranger that has entered our home. In fact, the ABA consultant that is leading our program visited with us a week ago and Gabe would not even look at her, much less share even one interaction with her. (which is typical behavior on his part) Before leaving, Paulette got down on the floor and played with Gabe. She would take his "blankie" and hide it and he would laugh and snuggle into her lap. He played with her and responded to her the entire time. I just sat in absolute amazement! I think she thought I was completely out of it, but I couldn't get over the way Gabe was responding to this girl he had just met. It was absolutely amazing!!! Whether this was a "window of clarity" not to be repeated, or a true instant bond between Gabe and his new therapist, is yet to be decided. Regardless, this was a step in the right direction and we have learned to cherish each step.

Lunch With Gabe

I attended lunch today at Gabe's school as part of an end of the year tradition at Bradfield. This was such a fun event! When I walked into Gabe's classroom, he was sitting beside another little boy and playing with trains. I was so happy to see him sitting so close to another child and not trying to take his selected toys to another part of the room where he could be left alone. Gabe was surprised to see me and even dropped his beloved trains to approach me with that heart-stopping smile! As we sat together and ate, Gabe could not stop smiling and at times became so excited that he would grin from ear-to-ear while joyfully flapping and shrieking. While we were still sitting at the table, the same little boy that was playing next to Gabe came over to him and began talking to him and making silly sounds and hand motions. Gabe acted as if he knew exactly what was being said to him and laughed appropriately at this little boy. They had several interactions in a row with this precious child making my son laugh. This is one of the only times I have seen Gabe interact with another child. Maybe in their own way, Gabe and his classmate are becoming friends! This thought warms my heart and brings tears to my eyes.

Special Gifts

I have taken a much needed break from frantically searching for the next treatment to try and have given myself permission to stop feeling so guilty all of the time over all of the things we are not doing. Since doing that, I have found myself enjoying and accepting Gabe more now than anytime since our initial concerns about Autism began over a year ago. The greatest part is that Gabe is doing better than ever! He is so happy and his receptive language is skyrocketing. He is even producing a few more attempts at speech - all unprompted and spontaneous. Gabe has been engaging his father and I more and interacting more and maintaining better eye contact. It's crazy to me that the minute I say, "enough - we need to take a break and enjoy each other," he takes off! :)This morning I received more special good-bye kisses and as I was talking to Gabe's teacher, Gabe picked up his backpack and grabbed his teacher's hand and looked up at her to signal that he was ready to go. He is just so aware lately and communicating with us so meaningfully.Last night he crawled into my lap and we rocked and I began to sing him a song. He turned to face me with a smile that lit up the entire room and then planted three kisses in a row on my lips. He then looked right in my eyes and his sweet face lit up again with that that radiant, glowing smile. To borrow a phrase my dad has used in describing the first time he saw his grandson, "It was like looking into the face of God." Each day lately has been full of these meaningful moments, these little reasons to celebrate and give thanks! After such a long spell of heartache, worry, and doubt, our days are suddenly filled with many special gifts. Thanks be to God for "every good and perfect gift is from above!"

Sweet Kisses (Yes, again!)

More kisses! I think this is becoming a routine when I drop Gabe off at school and I couldn't be happier! When I think of all of the rigid routines that children with Autism can become accustomed to, I will joyfully accept this daily "habit." What did I do to deserve such blessings? "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ" (Ephesians 1:3).

Sweet Kisses

I recently sent out an email expressing my joy after receiving my first ever intentional and unprompted kiss from my sweet little boy. Gabriel is three and has Autism, which makes this kiss a special milestone in our family and a miraculous gift from God. Today I received another special kiss when dropping Gabriel off at school. Again, he saw his teachers and knew it was time for his mom to leave. As if in anticipation of the fact that I would soon be leaving, Gabe turned towards me and reached up to kiss me. Gabriel does not yet have the words to express his feelings about his mom leaving, so perhaps his kiss is his way of coping externally with his inner anxiety about the inevitable separation. Whatever sparked this beautiful connection is not what is important to me. I am only concerned with one thing - those precious few seconds when all else fails to seem important and I share a connection with my son that has been long awaited. To God be the glory!