The past few weeks have been filled with some challenging moments that have pushed me to search deep inside myself for a certain patience and perseverance that I never realized I possessed. Gabe's symptoms of Autism have been out of control. His frustration level is such that any slight deviation from what he anticipates happening sets him off into a complete meltdown. He screams and cries while falling to the floor, thrashing about. He will sometimes bang his head on the floor and my heart shatters as I watch my only son become so frustrated that he hurts himself. Gabe will create certain "rules" that we are supposed to follow that seem to change minute by minute. At 5AM this morning, no lights could be turned on. This was an easy one for me to figure out and adhere to. There are times when I am unable to decipher the message he is trying to convey and the result is an inevitable meltdown on his part. It's during these desperate attempts to communicate with my son that I silently call out to God and plead with him to give my son the ability to speak.
What keeps me going as I travel along this weary journey are the special blessings I receive in the midst of severe bouts of depression. Just last weekend, Gabe repeated the phrase, "I love you." He has since repeated it several more times and this means the world to me. My heart swells with joy and delight when my precious son spontaneously lavishes me with affection that I have craved for several years. I have waited so long for his little arms to wrap tightly around my neck and give me the best hugs I have ever received. When Gabe wraps his arms around my neck and presses his little cheek next to mine, I am revived and refueled for the dark times that I know lay ahead.
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